another disappointment

Yesterday I went to the thrift store in Quakertown with Anna and Alex and bought a coat that changes color depending on how the light hits it. I felt a little sullen. Alex and Anna seemed that way, too. We made plans to go get Mexican food that night and Anna said she would bring booze. In my head I heard loud Spanish music and pictured us doing tequila shots and calling jovially to the waitress for more limes.

The restaurant was dimly lit and there was a large group of people sitting at a long narrow table. There was a plain but pretty looking woman with brown hair that I noticed, I periodically looked in her direction throughout the evening. Anna brought beer with her and I imbibed. Sarah talked about the bus ride she is going to take to the Midwest and Anna remarked that bus rides aren’t so great. Sarah said she would be safe, and I noted that perhaps she’ll be safe, but that the experience won’t be pleasurable. Alex thought that was amusing, or something, so I decided to include it here. I told everyone how I had imagined the evening, and Anna suggested I call this entry “another disappointment.”

Anna also talked about malaise, in describing the character of some of these entries. It was nice to hear a good vocabulary word like that. Maybe if I had started this blog a few years ago, I would’ve have felt angst. Now I feel malaise.

After we left the restaurant there was nothing really to do so we went to Sarah’s house and played Wii. Somehow, the word choad was brought up and Anna didn’t know what it meant, and Alex and I got a good laugh out of that.

When I got home I felt perturbed about the emptiness of these days. Drinking, even moderately, brings that out in me. I slept on the couch a while and then wasted time until I felt tired enough to go to bed.

"Too fearful to assume himself the onus of a decision, said Mr Hackett, he refers it to the frigid machinery of a time-space relation."

I’m thinking a little bit about the past semester. A lot of things seem trivial now, but that is not true. I don’t think anything of note happened today. I finished Philip Roth’s latest novel, Indignation, which wasn’t that good in my final estimation. In it the narrator’s mother tells him, “‘Feelings can be life’s biggest problem. Feelings can play the most terrible tricks.’”

Tried to journal today and couldn't even pay attention to what I was writing."Why not try and eek something out?" I wrote. I showed my film to some of my family today, they were over. My uncle Ernst wanted more explosions.

male enhancement

Saw my chiropractor today, took two naps, went xmas shopping, watched a French movie called The Butcher and then Caddyshack on a sports channel. There were a lot of male enhancement ads during the commercial break.

C'est l'Ennui! L'oeil chargé d'un pleur involontaire,
II rêve d'échafauds en fumant son houka.
Tu le connais, lecteur, ce monstre délicat,
— Hypocrite lecteur, — mon semblable, — mon frère!

christmas cheer

Brunch with the old crew yesterday. Then Sarah and I went to Main Street Eye care in Hellertown to look at the owner’s collection of old glasses. Every time I tried on a pair, he said, “Now those look really good.”

In the evening I went to Ben’s house for a Christmas party. Ben’s mom said I could try her homemade beer or hard cider and I gladly accepted both. Middle-aged people trickled in and neither Ben nor I knew any of them. Then later on Cliff Sunflower the Quaker bee keeper approached me and started talking to me about a discouraged film student he knows who, Cliff felt, might enjoy talking to me and might feel encouraged anew by a conversation about film with a fellow student. I suggested that I myself was a little discouraged, but Cliff insisted that I was thinking on the wrong level. Cliff is a very forceful man, garrulous at times. He seemed drunk, but apparently he wasn’t. It occurred to me after talking to him for a while that he looks and sounds like a mix between Nick Nolte and Sydney Pollack. Once I shoveled shit out of the bottom of his mother in law’s pool.

Anna came by later and we watched youtube videos on Ben’s computer that was connected to the stereo, and then we walked to a gas station to buy cigarettes. Anna kept slipping and falling on the ice and I didn’t know what to say. When we came back the crowd had thinned out and those left over seemed drunk. In particular a tall, tough looking woman named Allison seemed thoroughly soused, she was sitting next to Ben’s mom, complaining about her love life from what I could gather, and squeezing a rubber chicken that made a loud screeching noise. She joked about hitting on Ben’s mom’s boyfriend, and the dog, Langston. When I first saw her earlier in the evening, I had thought, “she looks pissed about something.”

Allison kept referring to the “hipsters” in the room, which I took to mean this guy wearing plastic glasses sitting near her, and Ben, Anna and I. Anna was talking about being pro-cynicism and Allison overheard and said we weren’t allowed to be cynical because we were too young. Then she started wrestling another woman. That lasted for a while. She offered to wrestle me, too, but I declined. Someone was squeezing the rubber chicken the whole time. Someone else started talking about long underwear, and Allison took off her pants to prove that she was wearing them. Then she started referring to us as hipsters again, we were sitting at the other end of the room, and said that she could be one if she had my sweater. She chased me around the house for a while and finally I ran upstairs and hid in Ben’s room. When I came back down we made amends and shook hands.

After that Ben and I took Anna home, she had had a lot to drink too, and on the way back we called our friend Katja from Alaska and pretended to be Mr. and Mrs. Santa-Clause. At Ben’s house everyone had left except his family. I asked about Allison and Ben’s mom told me that she’s a guidance counselor at an elementary school. Interesting, I thought.

cigarette bumming etiquette

At Julia’s Christmas party on Sunday evening I quietly got very drunk. Then in the bathroom I noticed that a board on the door was nearly falling off, so I kicked it and broke it off completely. I don’t have an explanation. Julia initially seemed a little pissed. I felt very badly. The only new person I met there has the same name as my mother. I talked to her for a few minutes and walked away. I noticed a girl with a nice short hair cut but she was with a guy, probably her bif. Oren almost got into a fight with him later that night. Dave and I were ready to help Oren out if needed. Later on Kate, Julia’s friend, asked me for a cigarette and I told her to ask Perrie. I don’t know her, Kate said. I remarked that she didn’t know me very well either, but she still was asking. Her response was that we’d met a bunch of times at Julia’s place. Maybe, but we don’t talk to each other or even greet each other, I thought. Perrie gave her a cigarette.

We ran a lot of the way home because it was cold. I was feeling reflective and mildly perturbed about something I couldn’t articulate. I kicked a garbage bag that was in the middle of the street and scattered shit everywhere. The next day I met Sam from Middlebury, I hadn’t seen him since the summer. That was pleasant.

On the bus ride home again I felt reflective. I felt tired. I didn't reach any conclusions.

merry christmas

I was going to write a longer entry, with a lot of thoughts and reflections. I will do that. But I received this message, send out to a few dozen people...I don't really know...It is from an old friend from my creative writing class in high school.

"Hello All

Just wanted to wish you all happy holidays and plenty of good cheer. Hopefully you all are with your family enjoying yourselves. If you find yourself working on Christmas Eve, or Christmas (or having to report in to your next command on New Years day, like myself) then try to enjoy what time you are able to spend with your family. If you're by yourself than at least you don't have to feel guilty for drinking all the egg nog.

However you find yourself spending the holidays I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers!"

I replied to this message:

"This is a very thoughtful message. I'd like to hear what you're doing in your life because I have no idea. As for me, I'm in college, blah blah, existential questions, getting drunk, women, blah blah. Well, send me an e-mail sometime."

going fishing

Last night I dreamt for the second time about going fishing. The first one was about fly fisherman and a naked Chinese man casting their poles in my direction. In last night’s, I was with some of the Frisbee team, splashing around and wading in a river. Ezra was saying, “It’s all just a show.” Carol, at the other side of the water, agreed with Ezra and yelled something like “Yeah, it’s all so excessive.” If fell in the water but it felt nice and I swam around and enjoyed it.

I got a hair cut today. In the room where they wash and color peoples’ hair there was a girl with platinum blond hair. I was hoping she would wash my hair, but I got a guy instead.

Later I went to Jessie’s house to show her sister my final film that I made for Bill’s class. Her parents were around so they looked at it too. Jessie’s dad got surprisingly into it. Mr. Horning is an interesting man who gets very indignant about things. For example, he doesn’t like Jessie’s name, so he calls her Jenny. Today he talked about how he learned for the first time recently that movie theaters sell hot dogs.

red hook

I am back in Bethlehem and there isn’t much to do. On the ride home we stopped at Bard to pick up Will’s brother Sam. Before we saw Sam, who was taking a final, we had to pick up his things at his off-campus house out in the country. The house, which he shares with four other people, is a lot cleaner than our mod at Hampshire. It made me think about how dirty and lazy we are at mod 35. While Will packed the car with his brother’s things, I lay on the couch and looked out the window at the clouds. Ben was playing on the keyboard, going through the various settings, and at one point it sounded like a cheap horror movie score.

In Red Hook we stopped at a café and fudge shop. When I ordered my sandwich I tried to banter a little bit with the people behind the counter, but I’m not sure how they took it. As we ate there was a couple sitting at a nearby table. The girl was explaining that she was certain about the things she didn’t like. One of these things was peanut butter and jelly.

last night at Hampshire until next September

Today was not that interesting, but I did finish all of my work, and that was gratifying. I was quite lazy. After I sent in the last paper, I lay on the couch and wondered what to do. There was music playing that I had put on. It was a moment of stillness. Beryl came by and asked me questions. I didn’t know what to say.

I was online and I noticed that the girl I mentioned in the other entry was there too. I decided to talk to her, and I was very open about what I thought. Meeting her was something that counted to me, although I admit, I was inclined to feel that way. Well, that is enough about that.

Pete and Kristin came by and we drank beers. We listened to Tom Petty and some other artists. Ben talked about when we drove to State College in PA and he had an accident…it was a great story. That was a different time.

Ben says that I don’t care about these things. I care very much. I don’t know how to prove it. You can take my word for it. Ben says to use decadent vocabulary. I’ll work on that. Towards the end of the evening we talked about our love lives. Well, I didn’t talk very much because I don’t have many things to say anymore…although things will come up.

We had a conversation about the quality of Hampshire. The evening was interesting because we were drinking and the conversation went in directions it usually doesn’t. Tomorrow at this time I’ll be in Pennsylvania.

Restless sleep last night. I woke up sometime early in the morning and started imagining things that could go wrong with the visa application process.

Yesterday was uneventful in a relaxing way. I met with Bill Brand and we talked about film archives and things like that. It wasn’t the conversation I wanted to have, but I don’t know what that conversation would be. After that I went out to lunch with Kristin in Amherst at Judy’s. We talked about our semesters. It was a satisfying conversation, especially since I hadn’t seen her in a while. I was indecisive about what to order and I tried to make an analogy about this indecisiveness with the rest of my life. It was a poor analogy. After lunch I met with a girl from my French class to talk about my final paper. She has a certain nervous enthusiasm about school work that I don’t understand. While she was talking about her sculpture class, I noticed on gmail that I had received a message on facebook from a girl I had met the other day. It surprised me. It was a thoughtful message.

At the mod, Taren came over to see Ben. She makes a lot of semi-sarcastic remarks. Sometimes I don’t know how to respond to sarcasm. Later on Dave and I talked about academics who in their writing use lots of words in quotations, italics, and exclamation points.

In western Pennsylvania, there is a state college called the University of California-Pennsylvania. I’ve never been there. Last night in my dream I visited Steven Sanobrio there. I went to high school with Steven. Once we sold newspaper subscriptions together in the projects. I don’t know if he actually went to college. He showed us around. It was dark outside. It reminded me of Hartford. He said that sometimes there were thefts. He expressed concern about his future, he wasn’t sure if he was preparing himself for it well enough at college. I felt bad for him.

The day was slow. I wrote about Douglas Sirk and thought about how academics feel pointless. Dave and I put on a Jim O’Rourke record and Ben made noises to express his distaste. Paolo made a grilled cheese and I told everyone in the room that I’d sworn off these sandwiches.

I went to the Haymarket at about four with Dave to do work. There are a lot of mirrors there. They encourage my vanity. I wrote about Amélie Nothomb, a Belgian author, and noticed a girl with dark hair and pink leggings walk up and down the stairs. Her outfit was a little garish, but tasteful.

At the mod I was walking downstairs and Dave was complaining about a facebook photo of someone smoking a bowl. He remarked, “That would be like us posting a picture of Ezra sucking a dick.” I found that amusing. Later, Ben found a dead, dried up mouse in a vase. I reminded him to wash his hands after having touched it.

I wasn’t very thoughtful today. Things are wrapping up and my mind isn’t attached to anything anymore.

I wondered if I should send the link to this blog out to the frisbee team. Someone said that I should. I was afraid I would seem vain. Well, I sent it out.

Today I slept in. I think I had strange dreams, but I can't remember them now. I went to the dining hall. The guy who lets me in for free seemed glum. I wonder if he feels exploited by me. But that seems selfish. To assume that I'm the cause of his glumness. But maybe I'm not holding my self accountable.

Later I went on a run. I was thoughtful. I reflected on my semester and the kinds of things I've written in my journal. I thought, "a lot has happened to me this semester, and I've really pushed myself to articulate what these things have meant." After the run I made a grilled cheese sandwich and regretted it.

At Rao's later in the evening I was annoyed by the people sitting next to us. The staff there annoyed me as well. I don't like their mannerisms. After that I did work in the mod. We talked about putting quotations around middle names. We laughed about that. Later I said, "we should have started a blog." Then I decided I would start one.